YORUBA DEMONS

I got a long note the other day from a young lady who stated that she is facing difficulties in her relationship life. She wanted advice: as do we all from time to time. At the end of her long treatise, her singular question was “how will I know if he wants me for a serious relationship?” Initially, I did not want to address her question because quite frankly I am tired of this man-woman waka and its issues. The question even annoyed me. You would think by now since ‘man chasing woman’ has been an art as old as time, we/they would have gotten the hang of it by now. However, if we are all questioning or sharing experiences literally about the same things up till now even with all the relationship talk, real experiences and experts upon experts then it means one of two things-we are either being deliberately obtuse, or we are cursed to never quite get a hang of the dynamics between ‘man and woman’. I paused and took a deep breath in; accepting the reality that the whole of life revolves round the issues of man and woman. There is nothing you can say to convince me otherwise. Even if a war that seems to be ideological, if walls could talk, we would probably hear things that will link the issue back to man-woman matter- maybe she upset him, and he decided to vent through a war? Anyway, my fascination with what makes the interaction between men and women took the better of me and I decided to write a piece on it.

Let’s be honest, as a female in the relationship market at some point you have asked this question. She’s not asking an esoteric question but if after all these years and evolution, a female still has to ask how she will know if a man is serious about her then it is either because she refuses to read the room, listen to her gut or men have not evolved and are still up to their old tricks. I will take the latter.

Let us get this out of the way. This is an unexhaustive topic and so it will be condensed.

There is no exact science to discovering if someone is good for you but there are guiding posts that we have that can point us in the right direction. It also could involve having to kiss a lot of frogs and court snakes and this is largely our fault. We ignore the signs, we lie to ourselves, we take decisions during our vulnerable periods about the people we invite into our lives, we get entangled with them, marry them, build a life with them, have children with them, build empires with them and at some point, we get all sorts of outcomes that are not favourable because the centre cannot hold.

Growing up there was literally one way of learning which was basically dumping down information on us. Fast forward to now, we have all sorts of teaching methods. The one I like the most is using a known/familiar/relatable theme/story/topic/caricature to teach and elucidate. I am going to use a known male archetype to hopefully help this young lady out her predicament: The Yoruba Demon.

According to research, in 2015, the archetype Yoruba Demon hereinafter referred to as YD, was formed on social media as a joke when women came forward with stories of heartbreak and a similar male type emerged consistent in the stories. It became a term to describe the ability of (Yoruba) men to worm their way into a woman’s heart but primarily charm her into his bed. This eventually led to heartbreak as he soon left afterwards after making her scream in ecstasy, multiple times.

Now, women are naturally wired to be emotionally connected with the men that they sleep with, men not so while men by nature are hunters and predators. Please note I am referring to the Rule of the Thumb and not the aberrations. To narrow add to the associative response of my question, I’ll use the behaviour of hunter animals in the wild, we are higher animals after all.

The hunters are those who are on the prowl to survive, with their area of hunt being wide. They can be on the hunt for a long period especially if they plan to catch and keep the prey. The predators are hunters too, on the other hand they are selective because they do not have all the skills it takes to hunt down and keep their prey. So, they choose the vulnerable females. The predator while it seems is the more dangerous one is the one that is typical not a ‘man.’ The hunter searches for a worthy prey. Knowing the characteristics of each might improve the success rate of women in avoiding the ‘smash and run’ type hunters and the evil predators. Each comes to take what is not his but the hunter can stick around if he wants to, but you must give the reason to.

1. Men are simple. Simple. Their nature is linear, focused, one-directional and as such if a man wants you, you will know. Now the YD is known for his diligence in pursuit, but the difference is that he is flighty about it. If you engage your senses, while he is in pursuit, your conversations are one-dimensional, mainly superficial conversations. There’s no one that is better at shallow, perfunctory conversation like the YD-absolutely empty and of no value.

2. Actions speak louder than words. Another simple phrase but if you are looking out for yourself, you are listening to your gut, you will recognise that words without actions are dead and even words with actions must align. The YD is known for his prowess in this. Smooth, good-looking talker! Women are auditory by nature and so we are wooed by what we hear and we hang onto the words, the tone, and the delivery. However, words are cheap. Putting those feelings into action is the real test. To say you care for a person, means you situate yourself in their shoes and execute what will either help the person, support or even just bring a smile because of the thoughtfulness of the action. If a man is not backing up his amorous words, no matter how sweet with concrete actions and thoughtfulness: don’t think, just remove yourself from the situation. A sub-topic to follow here will be: Consistency. The man’s actions must be consistent, not haphazard, infrequent and prompted. He will want to make you happy.

3. Getting to know you. A very crucial piece of the puzzle. The YD is superficial, not interested in knowing that your car broke down and you were stranded with friendly aliens who helped you carry your car on their heads to the workshop or how you decided to wear your 4 inch work pumps and as you walked up the stairs the heel broke because you are now 10kg heavier or the shoe had just seen better days. And he is least interested in understanding why you are weepy suddenly. YDs to the absolute barest minimum. Just enough for you not to notice he couldn’t give a darn, he just waiting patiently for the cookie to drop. Of what use really will knowing your pet peeves, what shoe size you wear, that you’ve had surgery, that you look like a witch when you are angry or that your bucket list includes kissing Elon Musk do for him??

4. Time, love and tenderness. Any man who is in the worthy pursuit of a woman, knows that it takes time. Time to peel back the layers, to get to the heart of who you are, gain her total trust. Oh the YD has time and no ego. Yes, no ego. Ego is what makes a man say I am a man and I cannot take this shit and keeps him in the doghouse. Not with a YD. He does not know the way to the doghouse. You are upset? He will say sorry (*in my head I hear the lyrics from the song-Sorry Seems To Be the Hardest Word by Elton John). This disarms you. He will grovel, he will explain, he will reassure, you will get lost in the oratory. If you are lucky, he will send a token, which makes you think he cares. He does, not just the way you want him to BUT you know that. You are just ignoring the carnival of red flags, you are not listening to your gut because it is telling you the truth, you are ignoring it because you have fallen into the trench that women fall into hopeless hope, he will be different with me, I can make him want me and stay-all rubbish!

5. Real Men call. In this day and age of technology, interacting has taken on a whole new meaning. However, if a man is interested in you, he will CALL not die on top of CHATTING. Chatting will be used sparingly. He wants to hear your voice, ‘hear the temperature’ of your voice, wants to be clear, making the effort. Chatting can be impersonal and highly misleading. A man wants to be personal, clear and communicate his thoughts and feelings. YD is juggling several of you; he can easily shoot you all the same message, he can’t with making individual phone calls. LOL. Even if he is not juggling, he really cannot be bothered in keeping the lines if communication open and remember- consistency.

6. He will put in the work. Whatever that looks like for you to feel wanted by this man, he will do it. That is just who men are. He will do what needs to be done and as he leads you, you find yourself receptive to following his lead and this is not to his bed! The work the YD puts in is to lead you to bed, you get there and as masters of their craft, they know that their bedroom game must send you singing his praises to your friends. Maybe this is the place you are in your life, but ‘catching feelings’ is often the risk here. Generally, women are not known for just the heck of mating. Though these days, females are trying to outdo men in their departments but in the normal course of things, women don’t just mate for the heck of it. The man knows there is so much more to you and wants to discover and uncover all that.

7. A man with the right intentions, solves your (big) problems. A man is wired to be a protector, hero and provider and it is in the execution of these functions that he finds his fulfilment. This is why a man demands respect, lives for it, yearns and would rather it than love. When a man who wants you for the long haul, he will play these roles without question. Now there are categories of these men and honestly, if there is a niggle in your mind as to how he is executing these roles then, he is not the one. Here’s why. He has taken time to know you. How did he do that? He asked you, studied you, made mistakes, took the corrections, researched, was intentional and made a safe space for you to be vulnerable and tell him. All these added, please how will he not hit the right notes?? YDs have no time for this because, it is misdirected work, he doesn’t need to fix your problems, he is going to leave. He is the master at playing Houdini and because he is as slippery as an eel, you cannot pin him down to do what needs to be done.

Dear Woman, however, the most important answer to your question is: YOU. You have to invest in yourself and your growth by loving yourself. The predators are on the increase and both categories sense fear, uncertainty and vulnerability. They just need to sense the weakness to strike. Know yourself, deal with your baggage, exorcise your demons, you have to be able to give what you are looking for. Very rarely will you find a balanced man who wants to deal with your demons. Even if you do, you must be ready to work with him, if not, he will leave. He is a human being and is deserving of affection, peace and soft boy life too!

Have STANDARDS PLEASE and be content with the fact that you cannot be everybody’s cup of tea even if he SEEMS to be yours. Know your boundaries. Speak up. Have those hard conversations from the get-go. Know what your areas of compromise are. Know the type of relationship you want to have, what works for you.

If a man steps up to you in your lost state and is all about the bedroom this not the time to give up the darn cookie! Even on a normal day when you have all your ducks in a row, they want to take the cookie! You need to be all in with yourself. If he is really interested in you, that is the first thing on his mind but the last for execution. No man worth his salt, a man- man takes advantage, that’s for boys and boys masquerading as men, weak, ‘men’. A man pulls the stops.

As I had earlier said all the above is nothing new. The problem is we are too lazy to put in the work and be true. ‘We’ is women. We have our role to play which is the most powerful role in this dynamic. The man asks and the woman has the power to make the ultimate decision. To make it, you have to be armed properly. In the long run, if we have nerves of steel to do what is needed for a lifetime of happiness, we will reap the benefits. Until then.