“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time”- Chris Rock
I remember the moment I realized I had a natural flair for writing, which came through a moment of a sudden epiphany: but that is a story for another day. I remember clearly because that was the day I birthed “Diary of a Stupid Woman.” My first article which I wrote about twelve years ago was entitled, “The strange institution called marriage.” Twelve years later and I do not think to apply a different adjective – but the jury is still out on that adjective, though. Quite frankly, I’ve always found marriage a strange institution and over the years the institution has proven to be quite so.
So, I thought: why don’t I expand this topic and do a little expose on marriage? Starting at the beginning, boy-meets-girl, can’t-take-my-eyes-off-you situation; two total strangers (you see) see each other and decide in a moment of attraction (lust) that they want to spend the rest of their lives together! Hormones are to blame for this state of affairs. I blame our teachers: seeing as parent were pretty useless in this regard – telling us that we would be at the mercy of some invisible force that will, from time to time be their guide throughout life. The last tool to use in getting married is lust. I have always viewed with interest what draws a man to a particular woman and vice versa. The pull becomes so strong that either party decides that it is this one person I want to hear from all the time, to the exclusion of others. All senses are engaged for this person, and it would seem you could never feel like this about another. It is a heady, warm feeling, no doubt, but a precursor to trouble if you do not look beyond this feeling. There are other more enduring tools, and no, love is not of them! What’s love got to do with it? Argue with your eyes!
The dreams, aspirations, plans, hopes, desires and wishes, all ok; but not all ok when the womb opener comes after nine months. Suddenly all the wild abandonment that came with being just the two of you is snatched away. Prior to that, since this is the first time both of you are going to be parents: you’re having a baby (assuming an ideal situation), the excitement and euphoria is shared by two of you that generate tales to regale your friends; but things soon quickly takes a turn. With the sleepless nights and the troops of people that will mill into your house,
then the ardour of lust starts to cool down, and reality sets in. At this point either of you might discover that the other is not the person they met; that the hero is actually a peasant; tell them that it is human nature. The idiosyncrasies and all the other forms of revelations about each other that could drive the other party over the edge come screaming. The numero uno nosey parkers that know better than your relationship … in-laws and family members are always lending their unsolicited viewpoints that add to the friction. One area that baffles me, and the constant talk about it, the struggle and the unfulfillment, is the bedroom.
There are all sorts: the ones who knew each other (in the biblical euphemistic way) before marriage, doing all sorts of non-biblical things and, after marriage it is “No, I cannot do ‘that,’ don’t you know I am a general!” But, but when you were….. never mind!
Then there are the ones that married women just like their mothers and now cannot shake that image out of their head, and it has put a damper in the bedroom.
And there are those men who knew they wanted a porn star but the fear of their mothers and pastors made him marry the town prude and now they are at every watering hole
And there is the clueless wide-eyed woman who has enough kink in her waiting to be explored and a hypocrite of a husband beside her in bed asking her which of her single friends is teaching her whoredom!
Then there are those that would be a menace to society if we knew what they were up to, but what is our business with what goes on in their bedroom if they are not harming anyone.
Then there are those who think sex should be holy, as in missionary, and then there are those who are not on the same page at all.
And then the constant tug in the bedroom because of childbearing, hormones, the journey to menopause and menopause! Gosh
Then we move on to the Great Debate: can men be ‘faithful?’ What does faithful mean? Should men be ‘faithful?’ And who created the construct, ‘faithful’?
The issue of infidelity in a marriage is largely placed at the feet of a man but the latest DNA talk is showing that men might be the ones learning in this murk. Then begs the question: if at the beginning of this journey both parties felt they could not live without the other, they pledged their undying love for the other, why does, especially, the man have the capacity to ‘love’ multiple women? I would have thought that once the men find their missing rib and the females that are the missing ribs fit, then everyone rides off into the sunset but, alas, it seems we have more people repenting at leisure than actually riding off!
The beauty of this strangeness is that after spending all these years together you learn and know each other. It is said that a husband got tired of his wife and chased her out of the house. The two of them were left in the house after the last of their children had left the nest. After a few weeks of running amok, he was heard lamenting how quiet and lonely the house had become. He went and wooed her back (with a brand-new car…That’s how to do it!) saying he would rather have her in the house than not, warts and all. After years and years of being together, you realise (if you are lucky) that in no small way had this association moulded you into the person you are now. Now while I do agree that these two people who decided to get married are the ones who make their bed and will lie on it, it seems that it is all the external factors that apply more pressure on people staying together or not. Again, I do acknowledge that it is these two people who, in the long run, decide what their marriage will look like, but there are some fundamentals which include, but are not restricted to, nature, gender, societal rules and expectations, personal goals and ambition and the circumstances surrounding the marriage. Sometimes, the topic of marriage seems over-flogged, but for some reason, even when the very subject has been discussed time and time again, it doesn’t seem enough.
I asked twenty married people – ten men and ten women (not by any yardstick enough people to create data out of this, but an enough sampling for my write up): without having your spouse in mind (try) but rather your experience in marriage, would you do it again? Eight out of ten men said yes eagerly. Seven out of ten women said they would not do it again. Okay! There was a debate recently that it seemed marriage favoured the woman, but if men are saying they would marry again, then something must be working for them. These statistics are, of course, not enough to draw any conclusions, but it is a start.
In recent times, the strange institution of marriage has been further dealt blows: women who are venturing into the institution are viewed as materialistic and money-grabbing. It is said that the bar of expectation has been so pushed up that it can no longer be seen as women are heard quite loudly stating what the man must be earning (by whatever means possible it may seem) and providing before they can be considered for dating, let alone marriage.
…To be continued
