Menopause made me do it OR forget to do it!-Unknown
My name is Comfort, and I am menopausal.
This is me practicing how I will introduce myself as the first member of the Women in Menopause support group.
Let me backtrack to how I came about this support group, I am embarking upon to create.
When I turned thirty-nine, my 49-year-old friend, Aunt Maria called me and asked me out to lunch; she wanted to discuss something important with me. She did not have to ask twice, food was involved. She wanted to discuss menopause with me. First off, I was not interested in the conversation; menopause was not something even as a female I was familiar with. I had heard distantly; women talk about it and fleetingly my mother must have mentioned something. I remember she mentioned chopping off her uterus and being on Hormonal Replacement Therapy (HRT) and even then, I thought it was a horror story that I had no business with. Well, well, years later and I am having that same conversation with her so I can understand. She finished the story. She had to get off the HRT because of the considerable risk of cancer. I adjusted my sitting position as Aunt Maria continued talking.
Anyway, with a place of salmon, mashed potatoes, and asparagus in front of me, I was wont to listen. She started off by telling me she was protective about me like her younger sister and wanted to share her menopause experience. The mashed potato was creamy, I made a mental note to ask for the recipe (but would the chef answer me sef? But let me focus on what brought me here). Did she just say she became a monster at home and was always crying? I looked at this sophisticated, beautiful, wealthy, and composed woman telling me how basically a change in her hormones had made her unrecognisable at home. I dropped the juicy, brightly coloured orangish/pinkish salmon to hear her well because she was drilling it home that as a female, my turn was coming. The fish fell off the fork as she pointed out and that turn coming would start shortly.
The main point I took away from the lunch as I stood up with my takeaway pack was that I needed to get knowledgeable so that I could be better prepared for “winter” that was coming. And so, I did. By the time, 40 turned and that legendry pain that we are told we will all experience had made its debut, I was exercising, was in the process of changing my diet, pretending to get more sleep, still being stressed and blaming all my mood swings on ovulation and my period. Technically I am not wrong there, but it did not occur to me that this state of being would take on a sinister twist.
Going forward and being more conscious, I realised that as I spoke to more older women, the more I gathered that for such a milestone in a woman’s life, there really was not information given to her. She really did not know what was going to happen to her mind, soul, and body especially when she hit forty. So, when the phrase said life begins at 40, it forgot to add that not in all aspects. Something begins to end for a woman once she turns forty.
I come from a generation of women especially in the North, who were not taught or spoken to about sex, sexuality, and the bedroom antics. The most sexual education we are given is in short bursts during wedding prep days. “Bath before he comes back home,” “smell heavenly,” “let your room reflect you are ready to be ravished,” (well, they do not say it like that but you get the clue!), “be quiet,” “do not deny your husband his conjugal rights,” “no matter what, get ready to bear children and get back in the saddle.” “Here take these herbs to make you “sweet”” and it goes on. The Fattening Room from the Cross River part of the country is famous for teaching females how exactly to please their men. That said, what was conveniently left out, was the fact that there would be at least a period of over ten years where what was a large part of a woman’s life would end, closing the chapter on a huge part of her identity as a woman.
As I researched and read about the symptoms of menopause, I was shocked to read some of the symptoms which are part of the first leg of menopause. Yes, there are three legs. Perimenopause, menopause, and post menopause.
Irritability ☑, weight gain☑, cold flashes (did not even know this was menopause, I went from hot to cold. I prefer it) ☑, anxiety☑, faulty memory (I guess I am in stage two because mine is a total wipeout of memory!) allergies worsen☑ (unbelievable), achy joints, tense muscles☑ (every day!) weakened nails☑ trouble sleeping☑ this is the new one for me; any sleep before midnight and I am up by 4.30am
I have a list of forty for just this stage. In other stages, symptoms include fornication (YEP!!!!), bad breath, body odour- I mean why would all this happen because hormones want to cease production. Haba!! *Singing Mother Nature*. You need to see me sniffing myself constantly like a rabid human, just so that menopause does not cause men-oh-pause!!!!
Electric shock feelings; why?
I remember the month that I did not see my period, I had withdrawal symptoms. For years I had bitched about my period because of the mood swings, ovulation and period pains and the extreme craving for gummy bears (Haribo’s Golden Bears, Fantasy mix, Bebeto’s Jelly gum Mix and Rowntree’s Fruit Pastilles. This information has been supplied for the benefit of any good-spirited individual who understands my struggle and wants to buy something for me. T for Thanks) and now I get the opportunity to be rid of it and I felt an emptiness, I felt like a shell. This went to the mental aspect of menopause. How was I to deal with the loss of what had been my companion and part of my life for over 30years? How do I adjust to the fact that with its demise so are the hormones that made me look fresh and cute but now I am shrivelled-looking all over? Anyway, I was over the moon when I saw it the next month and for some reason since that one time, I have seen it consistently to the point it started appearing every three weeks (eyes rolled) before it went back to its twenty-eight-day cycle. This Ladies (and gentlemen) is just one of the myriad of symptoms and changes that women lack basic knowledge about their transition.
While the space for Women’s Rights is full of the need for women empowerment, lack of knowledge is disempowering. The life cycle of a woman in the continuum of care is incomplete without including menopause. Most women in the age bracket 40-60 years are in one stage or the other of menopause and a good percentage are in the work and business space.
I recently made a life altering decision, and I did not weigh the ramifications of my decision and when the hormones were asleep and quiet, sense came and asked me, “Madam, why did you do it”? I had an eureka moment-finally I could put a finger on the restlessness, the sadness, the brain fog, the listlessness, the drastic decisions, the “anyhowness”- MENO-F8*KING-PAUSE!!!!!!!!!!! It was determined to be the ruin of me. Now I want you to note that even though I had been given a heads up, life was happening, and I was half-hearted in my investment in the learning.
However, two years ago, I was sitting in hell or so I thought. I thought I was in the middle of an out of body experience because, surely this heat could not be coming out of me. Alas it was. I still did not even get it. Until I was on the red carpet of an event for an interview and the camera operator would be helping me look for a handkerchief to clean the sweat that had suddenly fallen from Lord knows where!! The dilemma? he would clean my warpaint!! But I would look round and everyone looked as cool as cucumbers. It vaguely crossed my mind, but I was in denial till my mum saw me frantically fanning myself and positioning myself in front of the fan one day and said matter-of-factly, “it has started.” Ehm Mama, you could have been a few years earlier! I still cannot remember where I read it but what helped was folic acid! Once a day. And I have not had a hot flush since I started. The power of knowledge. And that is the whole point of this write-up, advocating for knowledge dissemination for women, inclusion of it as part of insurance cover especially the mental health aspect of menopause.
One day I woke up after a year of wearing clothes that fit, to clothes that would not zip up, pass my hips, and my breasts spilling out of my bra. I went from looking like a reasonable sized mama to a Tellytubby. I was frustrated, upset and angry as I looked at the twenty outfits I had attempted to fit into and could not. That was the event I did not go for. Not just that, I was flirting with sliding into depression. Then brain fog hit. Gosh.
When I was on the Real Housewives of Abuja and ageism became a thing, what came to the fore was that on one hand the younger women felt they needed to be obnoxious to show their youth and why they were relevant, and the older ones were either has-beens or irrelevant. It set me thinking, part of why there were disparaging remarks was because there was a lack of mentorship from the older generation to the younger generation of women coming up. Who will tell them that the Fountain of Eternal youth does not exist?
They were not exhibiting anything new. For the longest time, society has pushed the narrative that once a woman hits forty “her own” is over. She belongs in the annal of times or at least is on the journey there. This coincides with the start of the menopause journey.
Halle Berry went viral for her story on Gayle King’s interview of her where she owned menopause after being misdiagnosed with Herpes instead of a symptom of menopause! I have heard of women going for deliverance and it turned out to be no witch or village people but good old menopause. They symptoms are varied, wide and different for every woman.
It is time to talk about it, shout about it, build a community about it. It is time for older women to embrace their journey of aging, nothing will stop it, so might as well get with the programme but to get with the programme, you first need to seek and be armed with the knowledge about how to navigate the minefields of menopause.
A ONE DAY DIALOGUE ON MENOPAUSE IS IN THE WORKS-WATCH THIS SPACE.
Note before: after winter, what comes next? Spring. Spring means new life, freshness, newness, beginnings, green and this is what happens to a woman once she is out of menopause. It is a whole new world and life out there for her and the most important? There is now no longer any chance in wherever that she will ever conceive again!! *WINK*
