LUKE 14:28
For which of you, intending to build a tower, sits not down first and counts the cost, whether he has enough to finish it?
It is not the easiest thing to remain married after the children leave home. While raising your children you had common visions and aspirations that kept you going. For most, they swallowed so much rubbish just to keep the home stable for the children they love. Once the children grow, couples find it hard to continue to stomach each other’s rubbish. Even if they love themselves. You can say, they have earned their freedom
Sadly leaving at this stage, does not seem to be a better option for some of the following reasons.
Most have given of their best and barely have anything left to give financially, physically and emotionally.
Proirities have changed and changed again. Many are looking for someone they used to know many years ago, in themselves, they may be willing to risk everything to go find themselves.
There is no doubt that you leave marriage at this stage as damaged goods attempting to venture marketability again, it then means, your doing so, with all that you have been dealt. Many have not mastered the act of self value. They still have the delusion, that, there is someone out there, that has been sitting waiting to complete them. It may be true for a little while. Then you and your new equally defective partner, will both begin to show your chips and cracks after the honeymoon period.
We must remember at this stage of life, time is of the essence here. Few will have the grace to make mistakes and recover from them. This is really not the stage to recreate or multiply anything. It is a time to consolidate, downsize and prepare for a trip with no baggage provision.
There is no perfect marriage. What we consider normal, as we age will vary from one couple to the other.
How well you do marriage in mid life will depend on your relationship during your earlier years. If we counted the cost of marrying our spouses, there is nothing that should surprise us. We should have counted every situation we are witnessing now, as a cost earlier.
THE BALANCE TANGO.
What the man and woman need from marriage as they age vary. The man needs respect. Everything he does, from the height of his shoulders, to his view of his strength between his legs, is about his ego. He defends his ego, with his life. Men do not count their blessings starting with their children. No matter, how well the children are doing. Most men count their success by their accomplishments having delusions, that if they left the present in a hurry, they may catch the departing train of their youth.
The woman is a maternal creature that measures life by the love she gave and received. Women see all in human interaction surrounded by butterflies and flowers. They want to to be heard and felt. They want to also feel and hear people they love. This explains why in midlife no matter how little a woman has accomplished, she lets the people she has nurtured through life minister value to her, even when they do not give her anything material. She counts her children, biological and non biological, feeling fulfilled. I think this is because, once she reaches menopause, she is reminded to start closing shop.
The problem with the different desires is, as we get older it becomes more difficult to give the other side what they really want. One is in a hurry to conquer the remaining battles before the lights dim and the other, is in a hurry to create more memories. The disconnect creates more and more frustration instead of connection.
Getting older leaves both sides with fears that they may never share with their partners but not knowing that, sharing makes it easier to bear.
Many battle with failures.
Some carry their losses as they travel.
Many others still have regrets for their choices.
As youth waves goodbye, we ask the question “Is this it?”
HOW DO WE FINISH STRONG?
Counting our blessings.
Moving to the center.
Realizing that we create our perfection.
No matter the dynamics of your marriage, you can head towards the finish line together if you are willing to work it.
If you have made it this far, you can survive anything.
I have watched couples from generations before mine. Many had major issues in their earlier days. As the children got older, they made adjustments to their terms of engagement, they remained under one roof but became separate individuals. Intimacy at this stage, is clearly transactional if not non existent. There was not much holding them together but they realised, it was too late to cut the umbilical cord. They each created separate colonies behind the doors of a single address.
One of the advantages of this, they agree as to the time they will be separate colony or a federal republic. Our African couples have mastered this act. You see a couple that have been estranged from each other for years but on the day one of the children will be getting married, they announce them as Chief and Mrs for the ceremony, they act like happily married couples but become separate at the end of the ceremony.
Other advantages are, having someone to split expenses and responsibilities.
A major plus is, companionship, as you both watch yourselves, go over the hill, you know someone will contact “Life alert” in the event of a medical emergency.
When you two are too old to pursue separate interests, you can settle to watch soap opera, with a TV tray on each lap.
Any two can restructure their marriage, if they sit and talk about it.
There is no agreement that cannot work, if the parties are willing.
REMEMBER THERE IS NO PERFECT MAN OR WOMAN OUT THERE.
