“I am dripping melanin and honey. I am black without apology.”
I was in the kitchen trying to get lunch ready. My rug rat was not going to be very happy with what was on the menu but that was her business. Growing up, I did not have much of a choice as to what I wanted to eat at lunchtime with Mummy dearest and I am sure a lot of us can relate to those glorious days gone by. For those of us who grew up with not much wriggle room
around our parents, we had a lunch timetable, and it largely looked the same across households: breakfast would be bread, tea/hot chocolate – as it is now distinguished. Then, it was just Bournvita/Milo and eggs or cornflakes – Nasco to be precise. For lunch, it was definitely Tuwo da miya (solid gruel and soup) of some sort. My trip down memory lane does not end here. This was where the conditioning of saving my meat for last became ingrained to date!
Meat was the reward for a clean plate. We would have to go and present the dish to Mum to prove we had eaten all the food so we could collect our reward. By evening, things could get a little better; maybe some yam or chips, or if we were lucky, taliya (spaghetti).
Back to my kitchen. My rug rat ran in; she was about seven at the time, and this conversation ensued.
Rug rat: “Mummy, please, next time you go to the market, please buy (brand name) so that my skin will become lighter.”
Me: Stunned silence (where the heck did this come from??) I was upset.
My rug rat continued to talk without taking into consideration that I was quiet, which was a feat.
“Please, Mummy. So and so said their mother buys it for them, and that’s why they don’t come out to play. She doesn’t want their skin to become black.”
Now I was sad. I was also livid. At 7 years old, why were children already fixated on the colour of their skin? Why are we already brainwashing our children that light skin is better than dark skin? Maybe because I am dark-skinned and never really thought anything about it. Maybe because looks were never front and centre when I was growing up. I cannot remember any reference to looks by my parents. What I distinctly remember rather was the continuous reference to excellence in school and self-confidence. I was totally shocked to see how easy it would be to give my dark-skinned daughter a complex. The world she was growing in had become vainer and shallower. It has prioritised looks over everything else.
It was my duty to wake up to the reality and do something about
it. I had never had to have this kind of conversation with her. I mean, she was just seven; why would I think that skin colour was what she and her peers would be discussing??
Now, anyone who knows me knows that I will tell it as it is. For instance, I wouldn’t tell my daughter she’s a stunner if she isn’t; I would look for something else to positively reinforce her.
Yes, I hear you about telling our daughters that they are beautiful inside and out. Great, but I think balance is important and highlighting their best features is better. Anyway, looking back now, and based on the task ahead of me, it was in the plan and purpose that my daughter would be Alek Wek dark-skinned.
I stopped cooking. It looked like I would be open to making a lunchtime concession after the engagement that was coming up.
Me: (African mother mode) “What nonsense? Is that what you girls are talking about now? Which cream is better than the Shea butter you are using? I will soon stop you from going over to their place.”
So, you know this was high-pitched with anger, and she had a bewildered look. Now I had to remember that I wanted my parenting to be different in some ways to keep her close and talking to me (not the sparing the rod part!!!) and so I calmed down. This was going to be a teaching moment, It had to be even for me. I approached my conversation in four steps. 1. I hugged her. This was to give her a sense of safety, warmth and security. I thanked her for telling me. These children can be sneaky, and she could decide to go and start sharing their body cream under the guise of playing! Re-enforcing that Mummy should be who she should run to no matter what the situation, who she should talk to, and who she should tell anything. This is crucial with your child. You must cultivate an atmosphere where they can come and tell you anything. How else will you know? I am still very much an African Nigerian mother with a dash of Gen-Z/Alpha understanding.
2. Affirmation. “Do you realise you are a black beauty?” She looked totally unconvinced. I had never said it to her, and so this was a first, and coupled with the fact I was adding the villain colour to the praise.
3. Telling tangible facts. “Do you realise you cannot buy your skin colour in the market? On the catwalks of the world, your skin colour is premium; nothing exciting about light skin when they have white skin.
And, most importantly, as you grow older and age, black doesn’t crack; our dark skin takes a beating far better. Changing your skin colour will open you up to burns, discolourations, uneven skin tone, expensive maintenance and possibly skin cancer, not to mention self-esteem issues.
4. Teaching gratitude. It could have been worse. (I’m not elaborating!)
I must have done a good job because I never heard about it again. Instead, I regularly affirmed her on the skin colour. Right before my eyes, she blossomed into a beautiful girl for real. One day, she came back home and told me how her schoolmates would tell her that her skin was beautiful, and then the vanity started. She knows more about skincare than I do and won’t even allow me to kiss her on the forehead or cheeks!
She has totally embraced her skin colour, and in no small part, this is due to total strangers walking up to her and telling her how beautiful her skin colour is. Her confidence grew, but it had to start from home. I am grateful to the girl who asked her to buy the cream; I would not have become as intentional as I did with her and put her on a path of confidence-building.
This is for all the melanin queens out there: Black Is, Will, Has Always And Will Always Be Beautiful. It is the eternal beauty of black that has made it a target. It doesn’t help that everything bad is given a black connotation. But on the flip side, black is everybody’s favourite colour until it comes to skin colour – what irony. However, keep your head up; thankfully, there has been re-enforcement about the beauty of black in recent times, including the “Brown-skin Girls” song as an anthem of confidence.
There is a reason we all have different skin colours, and being dark-skinned is no different.
Light skin will always be considered attractive because it is what you see straight away, like shiny objects. Your colour, however, is more enduring because it is slow-burning and captivates longer.
Be the reason a dark-skinned girl consciously decides to keep her skin colour and not buy one from a poisonous bottle.
Final tips for maintaining your skin colour:
1. Drink lots and lots of water, keep it hydrated
2. Cut out refined sugar
3. Say No to fizzy drinks
4. Activate a simple skincare routine: cleanse, wash, moisturise. Let the skin breathe!
5. Drink your vitamins – carrot, orange, watermelon and cucumber. Thank me now. You are welcome.
She ended up having jollof rice, plantain and chicken for lunch!